It’s a Zombie! by on

Do you know what you would do if a zombie showed up on your doorstep? Probably not or you wouldn’t be reading this guide.

Zombies are scary, smelly, un-dead people that shamble along until they can out-smart the dumb people and feast on their delicious, delicious brains. The bad news is that you are probably one of those dumb people. The good news is I, with my vast zombie hunting knowledge, have written this guide so that even you, the idiot that you are, can survive a zombie outbreak.

In order to properly protect yourself from a zombie, you need to know the two different types.

Genetic Mutation

This type of zombie is created because some jerk scientist screwed up his virus to create super solders and made zombies after your tasty flesh. These zombies can be fast or slow, ultra violent or brain damagingly passive. With your luck, they’ll be fast and ultra violent. If you don’t die when they rip you open and feast upon your organs, you’ll be infected and become a zombie. Most zombies are genetic mutations.

VooDoo Curse or Necromancy Magic

Well, someone must be pissed to go to all the trouble of creating a VooDoo curse zombie or maybe just bored. On the up side, they aren’t infectious if they bite you. Unfortunately, they still want your tasty flesh. These zombies are pretty passive and slow. This former person pissed off the wrong VooDoo priest and was doomed to walk the earth as a mindless zombie forever or until a nice person takes pity on him or her and undoes the curse… with a bullet to the brain.

Arm Yourself

A zombie being decapitated by a shotgun blast.Unless you’re want to go down in a blaze of glory, don’t use a knife. Sure, knives are good for all sorts of things, but do you really want to get that close to the vice-like grip of a hungry zombie? Maybe you can hack it’s head of before its friends show up and have a party with you as the main course, but is that the risk you want to take? Despite what you might think, the only cure for zombie-itis is a bullet to the head.

What you want is a nice, head exploding gun. Like a sawed-off shotgun. If you hold the gun from the waist and point up, you will have yourself an excellent head shot. Sure the zombie might get a bit close, but unless you forgot the bullets or have narcolepsy, Mr. Shotgun will take care of it with no risk to you. You don’t even need very good aim and you can kill two zombies with one shot.

If you must, try a handgun. You don’t have to be so close, but you need to have good aim. If you can’t hit a giant tree three feet in front of you, you’re going to be zombie lunch. It’s very important to shoot a zombie in the head. Shooting a leg off only makes it crawl towards you instead of shamble or run. It can still bite your ankles, causing you to fall over and become a hearty meal.

Some hard-to-come-by-but-really-cool weapons you can try are grenades and rocket launchers. Both weapons are excellent for ridding the area of groups of zombies. Down sides are that zombies in outer areas of the blast may only be rendered legless and still capable of crawling toward you. On the plus side, it’s pretty damn cool to watch zombie chunks fly in all different direction.

Since this is a zombie outbreak of sorts, don’t be afraid of taking thing from where ever you see them. If you find bullets, you damn well better take them. You can never have too many bullets. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a filthy zombie lover and should be avoided. Get as many bullets as you can carry for your gun(s).

Dress For Success

Do you want to trip and fall because your shoe is untied? Or have a heel break while running because you ran out of bullets? Or maybe have loose clothing snag on a fence? These are all recipes for a tasty zombie snack. Is that what you want to be? A snack? I though not. Here are all of the things you’ll need to know about dressing for success.

Wear comfortable work boots with steel toe or at least a quality pair of sneakers. You probably won’t really be doing much running, but chances are if there are zombies, your town is a flaming pit of death anyway. It’s hard to walk with a broken foot and you never know when random things will fall on you. Steel toe boots allow for kicking thing, such as boxes and broken cars, with minimal to no discomfort for you. And believe me, kicking the crap out of a broken car sure releases the tension and anger of being in a zombie hell pit.

Depending on the weather, wear comfortable, slightly loose pants. Use a belt to keep your pants snuggly fitting around your waist so they don’t fall down to your ankles, causing you to fall and become zombie food. Pants are better to protect your legs from cut and scratches from the festering dump that was your home.

Top off your outfit with a nice, comfy t-shirt. Nothing too loose that will snag or be grabbed by zombies and nothing too tight that you can’t breath.

A must have accessories is a backpack to hold all of the bullets, food, and water you can find or carry. It’s also good to have a flashlight and belt holder in case you need to see in the dark. Don’t count on there being electricity. Chances are some zombie has or will somehow fall into a power generator and take out the power. A gun belt or holster attachment to your belt allows for more bullet carrying while still having easy access to your guns.

Those of you with long hair, tie it back so it doesn’t get in your way. All you need is to miss a shot at a zombie because your hair is in your face. Time spent playing with your hair could cause you to be eaten by your pursuer.

Skirts are not something comfortable to be walking around in for extended periods of time. When was the last time you saw someone climbing over anything or even running in a skirt? That’s what I thought. Skirts also serve as a distraction for others you may find. Sure, maybe that guy won’t be distracted by the bare legs of the only woman he’s seen in days or weeks and completely miss killing a zombie with a perfect head shot he would have gotten if you weren’t so concerned about looking pretty. Good job, zombies are now eating the one other person you met that can actually shoot.

Basic Tips

Jill on a crate picking off zombies.DO NOT walk by a downed zombie that isn’t obviously dead. (i.e. no head) Chances are it will reach out and bite you the second you get close enough. And now you’re infected. Good job. Now you’re just a zombie waiting to turn.

It’s well know that most zombies can’t do simple things like climb onto boxes. Use this to your advantage. Climb on some tall boxes, and peck off your grotesque assailants at your leisure. Don’t stay too long or more zombies will show up. It would really suck to die from starvation because a pack of ravenous zombies showed up and you ran out of bullets.

If you do run out of or are low on bullets, find a good place to hide. Don’t bother with that melee weapon crap because we all know you aren’t strong enough to chop a zombie’s head off with a big, giant knife anyway.

Good places to hide are any building with lockable doors and no windows if you’re below the fourth floor. You probably work in this building if you have a cubicle. Most zombies are dumb and can’t work the elevator buttons or open doors let alone pick locks. Hopefully your office building has some sort of cafe with food so you won’t have to venture outside to eat.

Other good places: supermarkets, malls, homes, anyplace without revolving doors.

If a fast, violent zombie should spot you, you’re probably screwed. Hopefully, you can blow it’s head off with your shotgun before it bites you. Or at least run faster than the other people around you. (I hope you’re in a group.)

Now you know everything you need to survive a zombie infestation.