Murder And Treason: Media Circus by on

Murder And Treason: The Trial of Sterga Lawless

Hero Murdered by Lawless Daughter

Lawrence Rockwell was found shot to death in an ally late last night. Witnesses say the man attempted to arrest the Lawless criminal family when the daughter pulled a gun and emptied it into the would be hero. Police say the gun was loaded with “cop killer” bullets, rendering Rockwell’s vest useless.

“Those people are monsters and even turned their own child into a soulless killer. I hope they all rot in hell,” Widow Laura Rockwell responded. The grieving mother of two is offering a reward to anyone who can bring the daughter in.

Week 22

Today, the prosecution stared with that filth, Lawrence Rockwell. He was the first one I “brutally shot to death”. Self-defense considering he put my mother into a coma for years. She was never the same after waking. He would have killed us all if I hadn’t shot him. Not planned, but I don’t regret it either. The heroes are worse than many villains I know. The experiments my parents performed were considered unethical. Completely ridiculous! I would know, taking over so that my parents could retire. But, I won’t be continuing the family business anyway. Many of our assets were confiscated or scavenged. My parents are now dead and it looks like I may be joining them.

Widow of Fallen Hero Slain

Laura Rockwell, wife of the man who tried to arrest the Lawless family, was gunned down outside a grocery store this morning. Police say the bullets used were the same as those that took the life of her husband four years earlier. Video surveillance and witnesses identified Sterga Lawless as the perpetrator of this heinous act. Police urge caution to anyone encountering the woman. Rockwell leaves behind two young children who were at the babysitters during the shooting.

Week 23

Another day of lies. None of the people I’ve been accused of killing today are ones I’ve taken out. Especially not the Rockwell Widow. She was no threat, despite hiring a few amateurs to find me. I did take care of them. Besides, she had young children and even I wouldn’t take their mother away. The evidence was laughable: a video tape of a small figure, hooded, running up to the woman and firing. You can’t even tell if the figure is a man or woman, let alone positively identify it as me. Eyewitness testimony my foot! I’m positive much of this evidence is fabricated. Sadly, I have no access to funds for a competent lawyer.

The prosecution is doing well to demonize me. Do they really think a teenager could be so cold and brutal? Especially one as sickly and frail as I was? Many of these killings were professional, which I was not. Can anyone say, straight faced, that I have the physical strength to garrote a man now, let alone when I was a teen? Or that I could handle an assault rifle? Light pistols are my weapon of choice for a reason. I know my weaknesses would dispute some of the evidence, but it will change the outcome. Some things should stay secret.

I was found in contempt of court, again, for my outburst. Perhaps I should just quietly accept my fate.

Week 40

A younger, more frail Sterga in her prison clothes, stands in the courtroom waiting for her sentence.I know it has been long since I last wrote to you. The murder part of my trial drug on. There really was nothing interesting for me to tell you. The same lies. The same idiots on the jury. The same buffoon for a lawyer. We finally started the treason section. Much to my dismay, several of the family henchmen testified against me. And I thought they were loyal. Given immunity no doubt. Still, they worked with us for so long, some of their parents as well. I even went to the same Villains of the Future school with their children. I don’t think this trial can get any worse. The sentencing should be soon, not that the verdict isn’t certain.

Week 48

As expected, the sentence was death for my crimes. The surprise is that I will be sent to the Intergalactic Space Station for Dangerous Persons. The judge informed me that it is an off-world prison for the most dangerous, non-super power criminals of the world to rot. In addition, I’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and escape. That woman set me up and I must repay her kindness. How I will escape from a space station, I do not know. No one ever has and lived. A few inmates managed to steal a shuttle, but not being pilots, burned in orbit. The people sent there are all exceptionally brutal, as I am told. The inmates here have taken bets on how long I’ll live before being beaten to death. Not very comforting.

I am far too delicate without my pistol to be thrown in with such savages and am frightened at the thought of being stabbed or someone’s unwilling companion. I should have escaped sooner. Nothing can be done now. Wish me luck, Diary.

One Year To Live: Surviving


Murder And Treason: The Trial of Sterga Lawless by on

Building the Death Ray part 2

Lawless Family Brought to Justice

After the arrest of Sterga Lawless, parents Sally and Roger Lawless were discovered in Hawaii based on information turned over by an anonymous source. The couple died in a raid of their hotel room, refusing to surrender peacefully, opting to shooting their way out. Seeker Asrea, the same hero to capture the daughter, was on scene with authorities and informed us that no one else suffered serious injury.

Week 1

Dear Diary Jr:

That woman set me up! During my journey to town, a hero just happened to catch me buying materials at the mall. Even worse, Margaret claimed credit for the death ray, stealing MY Villain of the Year award. I can’t believe I trusted her. Here I am in prison, awaiting trial, while she goes on vacation with MY money. There’s even a book deal and movie to her story in the works. AND that woman gave the police all of my research material, including my personal diary!

That two-timing, backstabbing, treacherous, concubine! I’ll get her if it’s the last thing she does!

Week 2

Sterga stands before the doors to the prison that will serve as her new home.These prison jumpsuits are too tragic to put into words. This is worse than a death sentence. How can someone claiming to be a hero be so inhumane?

The judge denied me bail, of course, so I must endure the grand jury, which started today. Jury of my peers? Please! These simpletons do not hold one hundredth of my intellect. I don’t see a way to get around the jury convicting me. All I can do is hope to avoid a death sentence. That way, I will have ample opportunities to plan my escape. I’m not sure that I can break out from my current holding as I am under guard constantly. No privacy at all! Barbarians!

Other than these dreadful uniforms and lack of privacy, prison isn’t so bad. I have a room to myself that I am allowed out of one hour each day and no longer have the constant stress of maintaining a villainous empire. I never realized how much work and how little spare time I had until now. Not that what Margaret did doesn’t deserve reprisal. As soon as I escape and find suitable accommodations, I will start plotting revenge.

I do hope my parents can hire a proper lawyer for me. Surely, they’ve seen my arrest on the news. Those clips make me out to be some sort of mad woman bent on world domination. Hardly! As if the rest of the world deserved so much attention from me.

Week 3

I had forgotten about the lack of limits on murders. It seems I will be tried for the murders I committed in my youth in addition to treason. This seals my fate, as it is unlikely I will receive anything other than death. Even worse, my parents were killed. They were in Hawaii for their anniversary when that horrible woman, Asrea, attempted to capture them. It’s my fault for keeping the post card with me. This would not have happened if I had locked it away as I normally do. I do not have the details, but it hardly matters now.

I’m tired and I want to go to bed. Goodnight, Diary Jr.

Week 9

It feels like eternity since the arraignment started. Of course, I chose not to plead. I mean really, it would be hard to say that I’m innocent of any charges, but I’m not about to claim guilt either. I hope that the pre-trial conference will be soon. All of this waiting is so dull especially since I have no one to talk to other than you, Diary. Not that I don’t enjoy our conversations, I would just rather there be another person to speak with. Plus, you’re a lousy card player.

I can’t wait for my hour outside.

Week 17

Arms crossed, a prison guard gives Sterga an icy stare.The trial is going to be a circus with lies as the main event. The number of murder counts is ridiculous! Fifty people?! In five years no less! I’m not looking forward to seeing how these shenanigans play out. Every one of the people I killed tried to harm my family or me. Only a crime at all due to being a “villain”. How is it acceptable for some idiot with a gun to run around threatening people just because he claims to be a hero? I had never committed a crime, why should I be considered a criminal when protecting myself from a lunatic? Of course, with this death ray misunderstanding, I doubt anyone would think otherwise.

The simpleton chosen to represent me has allowed far too many inadequate candidates onto the jury. I doubt any of them will even remember the judge’s instructions. Sadly, my trial is to be a public spectacle despite my desire to keep it out of the media’s eye. In fact, I was found in contempt of court for my outburst. Perhaps if my lawyer wasn’t so grossly incompetent, I wouldn’t have to speak for myself so often.

I’m also being moved from solitary into the general prison. Less than thrilling and likely a plot to incriminate me when I spill my guts to the other ladies here. Ha! As if the courts needed help convicting me. Hopefully, my cell mate is not overly aggressive or has roaming hands. I really don’t have the strength I should as I never dreamed I’d be without my gun for protection. At least I managed to make upgrades to my immune system before the arrest, so I shouldn’t spend time being ill. I haven’t the time to study how well the upgrades are working as I only put them in a few weeks before my betrayal.

I miss my parents. I should have spent more time with them. Goodnight, Diary.

Murder And Treason: Media Circus


Building the Death Ray part 2 by on

Part 1

Week ?

Sterga looks at the console, surprised.Dear Diary:

I’m not sure when the last time we spoke was, but I hope that I have not been overly neglectful of our relationship. I would hate for you to be upset with me or I will have no one to talk to. With the news that She has made it her sole purpose in life to hunt me down, I have been afraid to leave the observatory. My food is running low, so I will have no choice but to venture into town. Thanks to that article in Villainess Quarterly, everyone knows what I look like.

Dammit!

Oh my, language again. I’m so sorry, Diary. I know how you loath profanity. Forgive me?

I may have to finish this death ray simply to use it to defend myself against Her. Speaking of the death ray, it’s coming along very well considering I am the only one working on it. Of course, it’s nowhere near completion. I find it therapeutic to work on this project. Taking my mind off of the bullet meant for me keeps me slightly less hysterical. I don’t know what I’ve done to make Her hate me so, but I don’t think I want to ask either. Not that She would tell me anyway.

Wish me luck in traveling to town, Diary. I desperately need more coffee.

Week 27

Dear Diary:

So much has happened since we last spoke. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to get in touch earlier. Not only did I discover M’s identity, but ended up in a physical confrontation. It’s Her, diary! I can scarcely believe it myself! I am quite conflicted as to whether I still loath Margret and upset that I had not seen this obvious conclusion sooner.

I was engrossed in my work when I heard something behind me. If there’s one thing about my decision to become a villain that has been most useful, it is my decision to purchase and train in a fire arm. Imagine Margret’s surprise when I spun around and shot her in the shoulder. Of course, if I had been more rational, I would have noticed her lack of arms and not likely to have so hastily squeezed the trigger.

I also regret not making a more thorough sweep through the security program. Since this is Margret’s observatory, she was able to enter easily and have one of the automated droids fire at me. This distraction allowed her to close the gap, knocking us both to the floor. This is when I hit my head the first time. For a woman shot, she really can move quickly. Somehow she managed to get a few punches into my torso while slamming my wrist onto a corner of the steps to disarm me. Miraculously, it wasn’t broken, but left me unable to communicate with you, Diary.

I managed to connect with her jugular notch, stunning her for a few seconds. Unfortunately, she recovered much quicker than I anticipated and simply punched me in the face, knocking out a few of my teeth and causing my head to slam into the stairs, effectively rendering me unconscious.

How long I remained lying on the floor is unknown to me, but it was long enough for Margret to remove the bullet and stitch-up her shoulder. I was in far too much pain and wavering in and out of consciousness to bother with any kind of foolish escape attempt. Eventually, Margret moved me into the bedroom. I know this, because it is where I awoke. Things are a bit hazy during that time. Not that I was doing well to keep track of time previously.

I may have been wrong about Margret. She didn’t kill me or even restrain me during my incapacitated state. In fact, she bandaged my wounds and apologized for being so aggressive.

It seems there has been a misunderstanding in that she was never trying to kill me, but wanting to work with me. The accident at my main base occurred when Margret came to visit, hoping to discuss a partnership. She was curious about one of my munition inventions, inadvertently setting it off and unable to disable it. It was Margret’s PR coordinator who told Villainess Quarterly about the plot to kill me as a way to spin a potentially disastrous story. I knew I should have put better security on those munitions.

Margret has proposed we finish the death ray together. On one hand, most of the plans and schematics are done. On the other, very little of the assembly is completed and two sets of hands will make the work go much quicker. I admit, I did not think I would be able to finish and test my invention before Villain of the Year was announced. I am using her facilities to complete a project I would never have been able to do otherwise.

Week 37

Dear Diary:

Working with Margret has proven to be immensely valuable. She helped me with power consumption issues I was unable to solve. In fact, we have almost completed building and will soon be ready for a test firing. I have suggested targeting the moon since no one lives there and one more crater won’t hurt it. I may be a villain wanting to win cash and fame, but I prefer not kill anyone if I don’t need to. Murder is hardly classy or eloquent.

Wish us luck, Diary!

Week 38

Dear Diary:Sterga yells at some idiot clerk.

Tragedy has struck, Diary! The test firing not only failed, but damaged some of the components! This is such tragic timing. It will take us weeks to repair the damage and conduct another test fire. Our materials are running low again, so I must rush into town in hopes of finding the proper wiring I require. I do hope we can make these repairs in time. I would hate to fail so close to the Villain of the Year award judging.

Murder And Treason: The Trial of Sterga Lawless


Building the Death Ray part 1 by on

Week 1

Sterga in her lab coat types away at a console.Dear Diary:

I’ve decided to create a death ray. I know it’s a bit silly and will require an immense amount of resources, but competition among villains is fierce. My goal this year is to finally win Villain of the Year. The money alone would be a much-needed boost to my finances. I just don’t have the henchmen power I need to develop all of my projects. My battle armor is still just an idea as I just don’t have the time to devote to it. If only I could hire another scientist to reduce my burden.

Plus, I must schedule time to search for another healthcare provider for the henchmen. Even with the high deductible, those bastards are taking every one of my pilfered dollars. And I thought I was the villain… Perhaps I should seek other employment.

Well, enough loafing around. The death ray won’t build itself. Unfortunately.

Week 2

Dear Diary:

I’ve finally managed to construct an acceptable blueprint of my death ray. The plan revolves around retrofitting an old observatory which should save me quite a bundle. It’s clear that the previous owner started a project of their own. Perhaps it, too, was a death ray. The telescope is a base for the internals of some sort of projectile weapon and the area underneath uses mass generators powered by geothermal energy.

The genius and beauty devoted to develop these things is overwhelming. I would very much love to meet this fellow scientist. We could discuss trends in world domination plots and perhaps even henchmen loyalty programs. We may even be able to do work together, in a perfectly professional capacity, of course. I hardly have time for trivial pursuits of dating or friendship, but I do miss having another intellectual mind to generate ideas with.

This facility will save me millions in development cost! Surely I will win Villain of the Year with such an astounding piece of work that will be my death ray.

Week 3

Dear Diary:Sterga kneels in front of a control board, fiddling with the settings.

I am so furious! While I was at the observatory, my main base was attacked by another villain. That bitch! Oh my, language. I’m terribly sorry Diary, but it had to be said. Everything inside was destroyed AND She recruited all of my henchmen guarding the base. I just don’t understand how She can be so persuasive or why She has been focusing her efforts on me so much as of late.

Fortunately, I keep all of my research on my laptop. The only information She will get is from the lengthy process of disassembling and inspecting my machinery. This doesn’t really make me any less angry. When I find Her, I will have to physically explain my frustrations with Her. I do loath to use violence, but this is a special exception. I’m so angry with Her that I cannot bear to write her name down.

At least She won’t find me here. I neglected to tell anyone where I would be disappearing to and have not brought anyone with me. This incident has cemented my resolve to completing the death ray and winning Villain of the Year.

Week 12

Dear Diary:

I know I am awful for neglecting you, Diary, but it is not without reason. My death ray has been coming along so well and under budget. Without my main base to maintain and a significantly diminished workforce to pay, I have ample funds to devote to this project.

Oh! Something wonderful happened! I’m very excited to tell you about a project log I found from the previous owner. I stayed up for several days pouring over every detail until I passed out from exhaustion. The information about this observatory is simply riveting and I find myself unable to look away. Did I mention that the log is written by hand? By hand…

The handwriting is beautiful, Diary. I’ve never seen something so eloquent.
But something has been bothering me. Why did the scientist leave? The facilities here are amazing and the work poured into the projects here… I simply cannot comprehend why anyone would abandon the observatory willingly. Unless, the scientist died. No! I cannot accept such a fate. It would mean never having the chance to meet.

Other exciting news! I’ve been featured in Villainess Quarterly! Apparently, She failed to do the one thing on her agenda while raiding my base: to kill me. She’s NEVER failed to kill someone in her crosshairs until now. I’ve single-handedly marred Her perfect record! TAKE THAT #@%#*! Oh no! I’ve written her vile name in my diary in pen! I’ve scribbled it out. Can you forgive me, Diary?

Also, I found out the brilliant scientist’s initial is M.

Part 2


How To Become A Hippy by on

Have you ever wondered how to become a peace loving, flower throwing hippy? No? Well too bad, because I’m going to tell you anyway. After reading this guide, you will know everything about being a hippy. In no time people will be calling you the “crazy hippy lady”.

Long hair, bikini top, mid length skirt, guitar, and smokingWe’ll start with something easy: what to wear. Studies show that hippies tend to wear old, 70s style clothing. This clothing tends to be brightly colored and have a field of flowers per square inch of material. Other popular styles involve using rainbows and peace signs. A perfect outfit has lots of flowers and is obnoxiously colorful. Rarely, there are hippy slogans on their clothes, but most hippies are illiterate so you should probably avoid words. Garage sales and second hand stores are great places to find hippy clothes.

Don’t forget the accessories! Good ones are flower crowns, flower bracelets, face paint flowers, and peace signs.

It is important that you start growing your hair out. In fact, you’ll never get a haircut again. Even the men have hair down to their waist. To keep your hair out of your face, you need to find a colorful bandanna to tie around your head. Some hippies opt to tie a bunch of flowers together and string them around their head somehow. Either way, you’ll need lots of flowers to stick into your hair.

Your new hippy look is almost complete; there are only two more things you need to do. First, find some sandals. Hippies don’t wear shoes or boots, they wear sandals. If you can’t find sandals, just don’t wear any shoes. Next, find some finger paint and draw peace signs and flowers on your face. If you’re having a hard time getting the paint on, just wipe random colors on your face and claim it’s a rainbow.

You look just like a hippy! But we’re not done yet. Chances are, your name isn’t hippy enough and you’ll need to pick a new one. Your new Spirit Name needs to connect you to Mother Earth. Try stringing together random hippy things like moon, sun, flower, rainbow, beam, leaf, wind, sky, and spirit. Some sample hippy names are: Sunbeam, Moonspirit, Flowermoon, Rainbowbeam, Moonflowerspirit, Moonleaf, Windskyspirit. Don’t bother legally changing your name, hippies don’t like the government or anything remotely related to it. Going to court to have your name changed is very un-hippy-like.

That leads us to quitting your job. Corporations are just as evil as the government. In fact, money itself is evil so your best bet is to give it to a trained professional, such as myself, for proper disposal. All of that crap you’ve bought over the years is also evil. Yes, even the toaster. Get rid of everything you own except your hippy clothes and sell your house or apartment. You, as a free spirit, cannot allow yourself to be chained down by slave master corporations or evil governments.

Speaking of free spirit, let’s talk about how to become one. Going out into the wilderness is the perfect way to find your inner spirit. Find a nice, quiet spot, take your drugs and chant your Spirit Name. Eventually, you will feel the free spiritness somehow. If you can’t get the free spirit feeling the first time, keep at it. Don’t be a quitter like you were in your former life being slave to “The Man”.

Let’s talk food. Hippies only eat natural stuff like leaves and tree bark. No meat for you! Meat is one of those evil things. Chances are if you can buy it in a grocery store, it’s evil. Even the corn is evil because of that genetic modifying thing they do to it. You’ll have to grow all of your own food just to be safe. Tip: Tree bark and leaves grow on trees.

To be a hippy, you must think like a hippy. If you’re not sure what to think about a topic, try saying it’s evil. Hippies think most things are evil, so you’ll probably be safe. Actually, hippies do very little thinking; they spend most of their time smoking pot, having sex, or smoking pot while having sex. You must have sex with as many people as you can. Where will you be having all of this sex and smoking all of this pot?

In your rusty, old hippy van! It really doesn’t matter if it runs or even has an engine since it’ll just be sitting around anyway. Try to find an old pile of crap at an area dump or rusting out in a ditch somewhere. If you have to, steal an old, junky looking van from another hippy or some homeless bums.

Very poorly drawn van shapped box with wheels and flowers. Also, painted in rainbows.

Artist rendering of a hippy van.

After you find your hippy van, take your van to the forest that you found your free spirit and get lots of brightly colored paint. Recommended colors are yellow, pink, light blue, light green, orange, and pink. You should probably steal all of the paint rather than buy it because we all know that hippies are nothing but a bunch of thieves. Now that you’ve stolen paint for you hippy van, it’s time to start throwing the colors on. Try to cram as many flowers and rainbows as you can on your hippy van. None of the original color should be visible, so be generous when applying your paint.

Congratulations! You are now a hippy. Now get off my site, you crazy hippy, before I get my shotgun! Go and hug a tree or something.


Superhero Style Guide by on

Sword using, blue spandex wearing weirdo. Has cape death trap accessory.Are you an up and coming superhero with no place to turn to for styling tips? Of course you are! After exhaustive research and interviews with the superhero community, I bring you the best tips for being a Super Stylish Hero.

The most important part of your superhero look is a styling name. What does your name have to do with style? Your name can seriously impact your style. Let’s look at an example.

Say your name is Hurricane. Would you dress in purple? Of course not! Hurricanes are associated with large bodies of water called oceans. Most people think of the color blue for water. Have you seen purple water? No, you haven’t if you lay off the drugs. You lose serious style points from your superhero peers if your name is Hurricane and you wear purple.

In fact, your name should have something to do with your powers. If your name is Hurricane and you throw fire, then you become a total loser no matter how stylish you dress. Colors are vital. The wrong colors could leave you the laughing stock of the super hero community.

Limit your color choices to two or three max. Easy colors are different shades of the same color. Avoid pink or excessively girly colors if you are a man. Wearing pink tights may show off your muscular body, but your enemies will laugh… And so will your friends. Real men don’t wear pink. In fact, avoid pink if you are a girl as well. Appearing too feminine will leave you open to insults from your arch nemesis on what a wuss you are.

Black goes with everything and can be a good complimentary color. Be careful not to over use black unless you are a total badass with the skills and attitude to prove it. Since you are reading this guide, I guarantee you aren’t.

You should discuss color options with a professional SuperHero Colorologist, such as myself, before you choose your superhero colors.

After you pick your colors, you need to think about the actual outfit you will wear. Traditionally, spandex and tight fitting clothes were the outfit of choice for the superhero. You don’t have to choose this option. But don’t do the Casual Fridays look. It may be okay for the office, but it’s not okay for a superhero. If you’re a woman, and can fly or even if you can’t, avoid the skirts or dress. Nothing says embarrassment like a skirt flying up in a breeze or the heat of battle.

Accessories

Does your superhero outfit lack that special something? Spice up your attire with some accessories. There are all kinds of cool trinkets and doohickeys that can take you from bland to grand. Something as simple as a belt can add life to your outfit. Goggles are also a good choice and have the added bonus of eye protection. Don’t go overboard with accessories or you will just induce laughter instead of fear in your enemies.

Cape: Cool Accessory or Death Trap?

Many a superhero has met an early retirement because his or her cape caught on a random piece of metal causing severe whiplash or even death. Think twice about having a cape if you are clumsy or have a lot of bad luck.

Now you know the basics of being a cool superhero. Just work on those powers and you’ll be well on your way to fame and maybe fortune.


It’s a Zombie! by on

Do you know what you would do if a zombie showed up on your doorstep? Probably not or you wouldn’t be reading this guide.

Zombies are scary, smelly, un-dead people that shamble along until they can out-smart the dumb people and feast on their delicious, delicious brains. The bad news is that you are probably one of those dumb people. The good news is I, with my vast zombie hunting knowledge, have written this guide so that even you, the idiot that you are, can survive a zombie outbreak.

In order to properly protect yourself from a zombie, you need to know the two different types.

Genetic Mutation

This type of zombie is created because some jerk scientist screwed up his virus to create super solders and made zombies after your tasty flesh. These zombies can be fast or slow, ultra violent or brain damagingly passive. With your luck, they’ll be fast and ultra violent. If you don’t die when they rip you open and feast upon your organs, you’ll be infected and become a zombie. Most zombies are genetic mutations.

VooDoo Curse or Necromancy Magic

Well, someone must be pissed to go to all the trouble of creating a VooDoo curse zombie or maybe just bored. On the up side, they aren’t infectious if they bite you. Unfortunately, they still want your tasty flesh. These zombies are pretty passive and slow. This former person pissed off the wrong VooDoo priest and was doomed to walk the earth as a mindless zombie forever or until a nice person takes pity on him or her and undoes the curse… with a bullet to the brain.

Arm Yourself

A zombie being decapitated by a shotgun blast.Unless you’re want to go down in a blaze of glory, don’t use a knife. Sure, knives are good for all sorts of things, but do you really want to get that close to the vice-like grip of a hungry zombie? Maybe you can hack it’s head of before its friends show up and have a party with you as the main course, but is that the risk you want to take? Despite what you might think, the only cure for zombie-itis is a bullet to the head.

What you want is a nice, head exploding gun. Like a sawed-off shotgun. If you hold the gun from the waist and point up, you will have yourself an excellent head shot. Sure the zombie might get a bit close, but unless you forgot the bullets or have narcolepsy, Mr. Shotgun will take care of it with no risk to you. You don’t even need very good aim and you can kill two zombies with one shot.

If you must, try a handgun. You don’t have to be so close, but you need to have good aim. If you can’t hit a giant tree three feet in front of you, you’re going to be zombie lunch. It’s very important to shoot a zombie in the head. Shooting a leg off only makes it crawl towards you instead of shamble or run. It can still bite your ankles, causing you to fall over and become a hearty meal.

Some hard-to-come-by-but-really-cool weapons you can try are grenades and rocket launchers. Both weapons are excellent for ridding the area of groups of zombies. Down sides are that zombies in outer areas of the blast may only be rendered legless and still capable of crawling toward you. On the plus side, it’s pretty damn cool to watch zombie chunks fly in all different direction.

Since this is a zombie outbreak of sorts, don’t be afraid of taking thing from where ever you see them. If you find bullets, you damn well better take them. You can never have too many bullets. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a filthy zombie lover and should be avoided. Get as many bullets as you can carry for your gun(s).

Dress For Success

Do you want to trip and fall because your shoe is untied? Or have a heel break while running because you ran out of bullets? Or maybe have loose clothing snag on a fence? These are all recipes for a tasty zombie snack. Is that what you want to be? A snack? I though not. Here are all of the things you’ll need to know about dressing for success.

Wear comfortable work boots with steel toe or at least a quality pair of sneakers. You probably won’t really be doing much running, but chances are if there are zombies, your town is a flaming pit of death anyway. It’s hard to walk with a broken foot and you never know when random things will fall on you. Steel toe boots allow for kicking thing, such as boxes and broken cars, with minimal to no discomfort for you. And believe me, kicking the crap out of a broken car sure releases the tension and anger of being in a zombie hell pit.

Depending on the weather, wear comfortable, slightly loose pants. Use a belt to keep your pants snuggly fitting around your waist so they don’t fall down to your ankles, causing you to fall and become zombie food. Pants are better to protect your legs from cut and scratches from the festering dump that was your home.

Top off your outfit with a nice, comfy t-shirt. Nothing too loose that will snag or be grabbed by zombies and nothing too tight that you can’t breath.

A must have accessories is a backpack to hold all of the bullets, food, and water you can find or carry. It’s also good to have a flashlight and belt holder in case you need to see in the dark. Don’t count on there being electricity. Chances are some zombie has or will somehow fall into a power generator and take out the power. A gun belt or holster attachment to your belt allows for more bullet carrying while still having easy access to your guns.

Those of you with long hair, tie it back so it doesn’t get in your way. All you need is to miss a shot at a zombie because your hair is in your face. Time spent playing with your hair could cause you to be eaten by your pursuer.

Skirts are not something comfortable to be walking around in for extended periods of time. When was the last time you saw someone climbing over anything or even running in a skirt? That’s what I thought. Skirts also serve as a distraction for others you may find. Sure, maybe that guy won’t be distracted by the bare legs of the only woman he’s seen in days or weeks and completely miss killing a zombie with a perfect head shot he would have gotten if you weren’t so concerned about looking pretty. Good job, zombies are now eating the one other person you met that can actually shoot.

Basic Tips

Jill on a crate picking off zombies.DO NOT walk by a downed zombie that isn’t obviously dead. (i.e. no head) Chances are it will reach out and bite you the second you get close enough. And now you’re infected. Good job. Now you’re just a zombie waiting to turn.

It’s well know that most zombies can’t do simple things like climb onto boxes. Use this to your advantage. Climb on some tall boxes, and peck off your grotesque assailants at your leisure. Don’t stay too long or more zombies will show up. It would really suck to die from starvation because a pack of ravenous zombies showed up and you ran out of bullets.

If you do run out of or are low on bullets, find a good place to hide. Don’t bother with that melee weapon crap because we all know you aren’t strong enough to chop a zombie’s head off with a big, giant knife anyway.

Good places to hide are any building with lockable doors and no windows if you’re below the fourth floor. You probably work in this building if you have a cubicle. Most zombies are dumb and can’t work the elevator buttons or open doors let alone pick locks. Hopefully your office building has some sort of cafe with food so you won’t have to venture outside to eat.

Other good places: supermarkets, malls, homes, anyplace without revolving doors.

If a fast, violent zombie should spot you, you’re probably screwed. Hopefully, you can blow it’s head off with your shotgun before it bites you. Or at least run faster than the other people around you. (I hope you’re in a group.)

Now you know everything you need to survive a zombie infestation.


Alien Invasion by on

purple alien It starts with an innocent gesture or a good faith gift and ends with you being a slave or killed. Aliens are deceptive, evil creatures that hate you and will do whatever it takes to get you out of the way. For all you know, the aliens use people as fuel to power their flying death squads. Or maybe they need some guinea pigs to test a new drug the want to put on the market. Either way, you need to know how to kill them and keep them from coming back.

Guns kill aliens very well. Especially big guns found on tanks. Throwing water on an alien will only piss it off, making your death all the more likely. Acid that can kill you can probably kill an alien just the same. Be careful not to spill any on yourself.

Chances are you are going to have to kill the aliens yourself because you can’t trust most politicians and they’ll screw us all over. Don’t let your congressman vote to sell you out to the aliens. Worlds have been destroyed due to some Ass Clown in the government making deals with the aliens. Write your congressman on the dangers today.

Steal the alien’s technology. It’s not enough that you blew it’s head off, steal that hyper death ray that vaporized the idiot next to you and kill some more aliens. Take that cool hover bike and pick up a friend for some good old alien killing. One person can drive while the other shoots.

Find other alien haters to get your world back. Ten guns are better than one. You don’t have to like your Alien Death Squad, you just have to shoot aliens with them. Remember, joy riding in an alien ship will piss them off, but shooting an alien with an alien ship kills it.

Does it piss you off to find out some jackass wrote a virus that has wiped out your computer? Use those people against the aliens. Any advanced race worth a damn has some sort of Internet type thing. Find some lonely teenage nerd to make a series of viruses to make those alien bastards cry. Get an army of angry teens to take over their flying ships and crash them into each other.

Taking it to the next level

Find out where the aliens live and mess up their home world with their own technology. Don’t send everyone, someone needs to stay behind and make sure none of those alien bastards don’t invade again.

Learn their language. Not all of it, just the swear words and some cool insults is enough. Sharing a quick quip in alieneese right before you incinerate one is much more satisfying since your insult is the last thing they hear before dying.