Have you ever wondered how to become a peace loving, flower throwing hippy? No? Well too bad, because I’m going to tell you anyway. After reading this guide, you will know everything about being a hippy. In no time people will be calling you the “crazy hippy lady”.
We’ll start with something easy: what to wear. Studies show that hippies tend to wear old, 70s style clothing. This clothing tends to be brightly colored and have a field of flowers per square inch of material. Other popular styles involve using rainbows and peace signs. A perfect outfit has lots of flowers and is obnoxiously colorful. Rarely, there are hippy slogans on their clothes, but most hippies are illiterate so you should probably avoid words. Garage sales and second hand stores are great places to find hippy clothes.
Don’t forget the accessories! Good ones are flower crowns, flower bracelets, face paint flowers, and peace signs.
It is important that you start growing your hair out. In fact, you’ll never get a haircut again. Even the men have hair down to their waist. To keep your hair out of your face, you need to find a colorful bandanna to tie around your head. Some hippies opt to tie a bunch of flowers together and string them around their head somehow. Either way, you’ll need lots of flowers to stick into your hair.
Your new hippy look is almost complete; there are only two more things you need to do. First, find some sandals. Hippies don’t wear shoes or boots, they wear sandals. If you can’t find sandals, just don’t wear any shoes. Next, find some finger paint and draw peace signs and flowers on your face. If you’re having a hard time getting the paint on, just wipe random colors on your face and claim it’s a rainbow.
You look just like a hippy! But we’re not done yet. Chances are, your name isn’t hippy enough and you’ll need to pick a new one. Your new Spirit Name needs to connect you to Mother Earth. Try stringing together random hippy things like moon, sun, flower, rainbow, beam, leaf, wind, sky, and spirit. Some sample hippy names are: Sunbeam, Moonspirit, Flowermoon, Rainbowbeam, Moonflowerspirit, Moonleaf, Windskyspirit. Don’t bother legally changing your name, hippies don’t like the government or anything remotely related to it. Going to court to have your name changed is very un-hippy-like.
That leads us to quitting your job. Corporations are just as evil as the government. In fact, money itself is evil so your best bet is to give it to a trained professional, such as myself, for proper disposal. All of that crap you’ve bought over the years is also evil. Yes, even the toaster. Get rid of everything you own except your hippy clothes and sell your house or apartment. You, as a free spirit, cannot allow yourself to be chained down by slave master corporations or evil governments.
Speaking of free spirit, let’s talk about how to become one. Going out into the wilderness is the perfect way to find your inner spirit. Find a nice, quiet spot, take your drugs and chant your Spirit Name. Eventually, you will feel the free spiritness somehow. If you can’t get the free spirit feeling the first time, keep at it. Don’t be a quitter like you were in your former life being slave to “The Man”.
Let’s talk food. Hippies only eat natural stuff like leaves and tree bark. No meat for you! Meat is one of those evil things. Chances are if you can buy it in a grocery store, it’s evil. Even the corn is evil because of that genetic modifying thing they do to it. You’ll have to grow all of your own food just to be safe. Tip: Tree bark and leaves grow on trees.
To be a hippy, you must think like a hippy. If you’re not sure what to think about a topic, try saying it’s evil. Hippies think most things are evil, so you’ll probably be safe. Actually, hippies do very little thinking; they spend most of their time smoking pot, having sex, or smoking pot while having sex. You must have sex with as many people as you can. Where will you be having all of this sex and smoking all of this pot?
In your rusty, old hippy van! It really doesn’t matter if it runs or even has an engine since it’ll just be sitting around anyway. Try to find an old pile of crap at an area dump or rusting out in a ditch somewhere. If you have to, steal an old, junky looking van from another hippy or some homeless bums.
After you find your hippy van, take your van to the forest that you found your free spirit and get lots of brightly colored paint. Recommended colors are yellow, pink, light blue, light green, orange, and pink. You should probably steal all of the paint rather than buy it because we all know that hippies are nothing but a bunch of thieves. Now that you’ve stolen paint for you hippy van, it’s time to start throwing the colors on. Try to cram as many flowers and rainbows as you can on your hippy van. None of the original color should be visible, so be generous when applying your paint.
Congratulations! You are now a hippy. Now get off my site, you crazy hippy, before I get my shotgun! Go and hug a tree or something.